tears

(wow- this is really personal! but don't freak out! i'm ok!)

“this all feels like some sort of nightmare.”
my friend passed away last week-
and those were the words of her father
at her memorial service.
as a father,
i stepped into his shoes and his pain
and i started to cry.
i wasn’t planning on crying at this funeral-
if i did, i would have brought tissue
but i did- and when i did-
i couldn’t stop.

i’ve been in a funk in recent days-
comparing myself to others.
i know i shouldn’t but i have
and its made me sad.

i’ve been spending more time in meetings
and less time in study and preparation
and as i look at the calendar
i see the future rushing at me
and i’ve felt that i’m not ready for it.
and that’s made me anxious.

last night i was a combination
of anxious and sad.
i stayed up late catching up on preparation-
and that made me feel better-
but my thoughts and fears and doubts about myself
kept me awake all night.

today my friend took me to see a baseball game
and that was so therapeutic for me.
i sat in the sun,
spit sunflower seeds,
and watched sports with my friend.

we had lunch in this sort of skybox/ restaurant
he asked me about my friend who died
and i started to share about her service.
and right there at the ball-field
i cried.
i cried to the point where i couldn’t talk.
it was all coming out and i was powerless to stop it.
i said “i’m so sorry! this is so weird!”
“i’m crying at a baseball game!”
“there’s no crying in baseball!”
with tears in his eyes, he said
“its ok! its ok-“

i felt like my tears were dammed up-
and the dam finally broke
and it was healing.

i’ve been prepping for a message on psalm
ninety-one.
it talks about finding shelter during a storm.
and i have felt God calling me
to find shelter in Him-
to come out from the rain.
“this all feels like some sort of nightmare…”
and i’m beginning to wake up
and discover that the morning is not as bad
as the night had seemed.

“he who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the almighty.
i will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
you will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

"because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.”
(psalm-ninety-one)

thanks MC