so cool

my whole life, i have put a lot of thought into how cool i was being at any given moment. i’ve always tried to talk cool or dress cool; I even made efforts to smile cool and walk cool. when i was a kid i looked up to cool people: elvis, danny zuko from grease, yul brynner in magnificent seven, jim Morrison, etc. i have even been described as cool by a few people. but the more i reflect on my life, i realize, i’m not that cool. it makes me wonder if this whole cool thing was some sort of front to hide how uncool i was or am. here are some of the things that i think about when i consider how uncool i am:

:: i’m socially awkward.
i’m not that great at keeping conversations going. if i’m not talking with a chatty person, things get quiet really fast. i have read books on small talk, and have gotten better, but i have a long way to go. i can never think of the right words to say until after the conversation is over. that’s why i manuscript my messages- when i try to talk off the cuff, i usually end up stuttering or taking forever to say the word that i’m thinking of. so i usually end up letting other people talk- which usually makes them feel valued, and i want them to feel valued, so it ends up working out in most situations.

:: i get anxious.
i don’t know why. maybe its all the caffeine, but i often find myself quietly freaking out over something. a lot of time i fix this by breathing, silently encouraging myself, or praying. several years ago i learned how settling repetitive prayers can be, so i usually have a rosary around me somewhere. sometimes just holding it reminds me that i can pray and God will help me to relax.

:: i’m emotional.
maybe jane gets it from me. lately she can cry at the drop of a hat. i can too. i burst into tears watching youtube videos, listening to music, or just talking to people.

just last week a middle schooler was sharing a story of how God had healed her from a life-threatening illness. we were in a crowded room and i was fighting off tears with everything I had as she was sharing with me how God had answered her mother’s prayers.

last december, i was in my office reading the Christmas story, and tears immediately and unexpectedly jumped out of my eyes when i read the angel’s words “"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” i couldn’t stop. i welled up each time I heard it during Christmas.

one time i visited a student in the hospital- she was having a major surgery. after praying with her, i got in my car and started driving, but i had to pull over because i couldn’t see for all of the tears.

sometimes i'm with jane, and she is eating her snack, and commenting on the world around her, and she is healthy, and happy, and safe, and i think to myself, "this is the perfect moment. i don't want this moment to ever end." but i realize that before i know it, she'll be 16. sometimes i just reach over and say, "do you know that dad loves you?" with tears in my eyes. hold it together rob!

one time i was at a baseball game with my friend marc and we were watching the tractor smooth out the dirt. he asked me about a funeral that i went to. i didn’t really know that person that died that well, but i burst into tears and couldn’t stop. i was so embarrassed.

sometimes i’m in my car listening to u2 songs and i just burst into tears. some songs that have moved me are: one, all i want is you, mothers of the disappeared, running to stand still, grace and sometimes you can’t make it on your own.

everyone who was at my wedding saw me cry all over the place. that was a little embarrassing too.

i have shed many a tear at hume lake- all during beautiful moments.

:: there’s a lot that i do that other people wouldn’t find cool, but i do.
i watch children’s television with jane- i think its cool.
i browse bookstores. i feel comfortable around books. most people wouldn’t find that cool, but i do.
i spend a lot of time in silence and alone. that would bug a lot of people, but i enjoy it.
i hang out with middle schoolers! a lot of people don’t think that’s cool- but i love it.

maybe no one is really cool. maybe we’re all putting up some sort of front. maybe the whole cool thing is overrated and expensive. cool people want you to believe that they don’t need others or that they don’t experience emotions. but who is like that? who wants to be like that? not me. cool isn't going to be as important to me as it has been.

don’t be afraid to smile or cry or laugh out loud. let me give you the freedom to be uncool; or as my friend bono says: “don’t look before you laugh, look ugly in a photograph.”

God is love.
-rev-rob

goodnight dad

I've been trying to get this on video for a week. jane comes and says goodnight to me every night, and every night her list of things to tell me gets a little longer. she uses some jane-language, including "seven-zero-zero" which means 7:00am (the time when she is allowed to get up) and "the circle store" which is her word for target. I just started loading videos on a new website, because photobucket wasn't working. I also fixed the video on this post.


Untitled from rob walter on Vimeo.

some positive press for your pal, rob

this is from santa clara valley youth for christ's monthly newsletter. after almost ten years I made the volunteer spotlight! thanks anna-marie!

campus life is an on-campus bible study that I lead along with will and jon from south hills. its a huge help to me as a youth pastor to interact with students in their world, on campus.

pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle...

seriously. I'd love to get on wheel of fortune. I think I could pay off my house after just one episode. this has got to be the easiest way to make money these days.

updates

:: new year’s resolution update-
its about 6 weeks into the new year, and I’m still sticking to my new year’s resolution: no fries, and 250 workouts for the year. the no-fry thing has been fine, but it has brought up some questions, namely, what is a fry? is a tater-tot a fry? what about an onion-ring? is it basically a fry? potato-wedges are fries. but what about hash browns? are pretty much the same thing? mcdonald’s hash browns are pretty close, but what about hash browns from denny’s? another thing I have had to deal with is saying no when offered fries. for example, jane is all about sharing her food lately. when we eat together, she offers me parts of her pancakes, or cookies, and also her fries. I’ve been saying, “no thanks. I don’t like fries.” but then she goes into jr.-parent mode and says, “try them! they are so yummy! and so good for you! I think you’ll really like them!” she’s pretty persuasive.

:: church//gym entry 17
the other day I was at the gym and there was a new guy there. he was a little short, thin, balding and wore glasses. he wore a grey sweat suit. he would do a set on the weights, and then pace slowly from one side of the gym to another, almost strutting. then he would do another set, and then slowly walk back and forth, from one end to another.
which just goes to show- whether you’re at church or the gym, there always seems to be someone that thinks its all about them.

:: ummm- hair update?
yes- I’m growing out my hair. just for the fun of it, although, its not that fun. its kind of a pain in the neck. I had long hair as a teenager, but then I cut it off when I joined the church staff at about 19. I get a comment about my hair at least once a day. the other day an older friend said, “rob?! is that you?! I almost didn’t recognize you with that LONG HAIR!” I responded by saying, “yeah. I should get it cut.” she said, “YES! you should!” I talked to a college girl, who is also a hairdresser and I said, “hey- what do you think? do you think I could pull off this look?” she said, “well, I mean, you still HAVE hair, and that’s good for your age, so I guess…” just this morning a student said, “hey rob, are you growing out your hair?” so I’m not sure about this. the next time you see me I might just have a crew-cut.

:: lectio-divina:: proverbs 24:10
I read this proverb this morning and got sort of inspired:
proverbs 24:10 (new living)
“If you fail under pressure, your strength is too small.”

this sort of fired me up- like, I should be my best under pressure. I shouldn’t be fazed by the stress, I should just bring it strong no matter what the circumstances. I check some other translations. I liked the message the best:
“If you fall to pieces in a crisis, there wasn't much to you in the first place.”

I don’t want to fall to pieces in a crisis! I want to have a strong inner-core that can handle a crisis!
is there any way that I could have that without having to go through a crisis?

:: jw quotes 02/08
last night I picked up jane from the nursery. she was so glad to see Deanna and I. we drove to dinner at mcdonald’s. we were in the car, driving over to the restaurant, and I reached back into the back seat and held my girl’s hand.
she said, “I’m so glad to be your big-kid.”
“and I’m so glad to be your daddy.” I replied.
this kid is growing up so fast. i'm going to miss moments like that when she gets older.

God is love.
-rev-rob

lectio divina:: proverbs 21

I was doing a little reading in proverbs this morning. I came across verse 4 “haughty eyes and a proud heart, the lamp of the wicked, are sin!” and I was struck by the fact that I have no idea what haughty eyes are. (I know what hottie-eyes are, but I don’t think that’s what this is talking about.) I’ve read proverbs from a few different translations, and they all seem to use this word, haughty and haughty eyes. that’s a word that you just don’t find in many other spots than the bible. so I went to the shelf and started digging.


the word for haughty is the Hebrew word “rom” which just means elevated. so the idea is elevated eyes, or prideful eyes. the amplified bible translates the phrase “a proud look.” the message translates the phrase as “eyes that are arrogant.” I can see where God doesn’t want people to have a prideful or arrogant attitude, but I’m not sure what haughty eyes look like.


maybe haughty eyes is what you get when you can tell when someone is judging you and your appearance just by looking at you. maybe its that look that you get when you can tell that someone is bragging, just by the expression on their face. but maybe, its that look that you got when you were in junior high, where you could tell that someone was making fun of you, even if you couldn’t hear the words that they were saying. or maybe its that look that middle schoolers give to each other: the eye-roll/ exhale/ head shake combo. that look has crushed many a middle schooler, but you can have hope: God notices the haughty eyes, and He can’t stand them either. proverbs 6 says that there are “there are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him.” and the first on the list? haughty eyes.


God doesn’t just care about your words or your actions, He even cares about your facial expressions. better keep an eye on those.
God is love.
-rev-rob

church::gym entry 16

its been awhile since I’ve blogged. I’ve had some good ideas over the last few weeks, but everytime I start typing I change my mind.


the other day I was at the gym- I had my iPod in my ears, so I couldn’t hear anything. I stretched out, did my sit ups and push ups, and then I went over to the elliptical. there was a big, older gentleman leaning against the one I wanted to use. I could tell that he had just signed up and was getting a tour from a trainer. I could also tell that he was a people-person, because he was starting up conversations with everyone. I stepped onto the elliptical- he gave me an unpleasant look. “were you going to use this?” I asked; “no! I guess not!” he said playfully. he went back to talking to the trainer- he said, “I want to get down to about…a buck twenty-five…(or 125 pounds- which was going to be quite an accomplishment for this guy.) as soon as he said that, an older lady who was riding another elliptical shouted out, “YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DIET!” the guy just stopped. then he looked over at me for support. “YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DIET!” she said again, “I LOST 40 POUNDS, AND IT WAS ALL BY DIETING.” this guy looked over at me again and said, “can you believe this?” then he looked at her and said, “WHEN DID I ASK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION ABOUT MY WEIGHT LOSS?! sheesh!” she just kept it up. I told him, “that’s that way it is here, bro. everyone is helpful…”
“that’s the way it is around here.” he said.


which reminded me that sometimes when you’re at the gym, and sometimes when you’re at church, you get some advice that you didn’t ask for. I have been given all kinds of advice that I never asked for. some of it is helpful, and some not so much. but what do you do? I could be a jerk like my gym-friend, or I can be gracious. its just better to be gracious. after all, they’re just trying to be helpful (hopefully). I’ve been reading through proverbs lately and it talks all about advice. here is an excerpt: “pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise.” (proverbs 13:10). if the pharoah of genesis could take advice from a hebrew slave, maybe we could all take some advice from an unlikely source as well.


the guy does need to diet, but he probably didn’t want to get that advice, that way. so when you’re helping someone with a bit of advice, speak the truth in love and consider the situation.
God is love.
-rev-rob

jane the singer-songwriter

stage from rob walter on Vimeo.

prophetic

this was dr. king's final speech; given the night before he was assasinated.
he saw this day coming over forty years ago.

"Sleep, sleep tonight
And may your dreams be realised.
If the thunder cloud passes rain
So let it rain, rain down on he.
So let it be.So let it be.

Sleep, sleep tonight
And may your dreams be realised.
If the thunder cloud passes rain
So let it rain, let it rain
Rain down on he."
-u2 "MLK"

happy martin luther king jr. day

lectio divina:: psalms

i just finished the book of psalms in my personal time of study. 2 psalms that stood out to me were psalm 40 and psalm 116. when i was a new believer, i was a rabid U2 fan. they had a song called 40 that was based on the psalm. it seemed to be the theme song to my life as a teenager. it had a line in it that said, “i will sing a new song.” i didn’t know what it meant at the time, but at the time it was a commitment to rebel against a life apart from God and the hope a new tomorrow. for weeks, i scribbled that line on pages of binder paper and in the dirt wherever i was.


psalm 116 asks “what can I give back to God for the blessings He has poured out on me?” and that seems to be the theme song of my life these days. its strange, but both of those psalms are referenced in this live clip from U2. at the end of the song, bono gives a short homily on the idea of jubilee and God’s heart for the poor.


sing a new song.