so cool

my whole life, i have put a lot of thought into how cool i was being at any given moment. i’ve always tried to talk cool or dress cool; I even made efforts to smile cool and walk cool. when i was a kid i looked up to cool people: elvis, danny zuko from grease, yul brynner in magnificent seven, jim Morrison, etc. i have even been described as cool by a few people. but the more i reflect on my life, i realize, i’m not that cool. it makes me wonder if this whole cool thing was some sort of front to hide how uncool i was or am. here are some of the things that i think about when i consider how uncool i am:

:: i’m socially awkward.
i’m not that great at keeping conversations going. if i’m not talking with a chatty person, things get quiet really fast. i have read books on small talk, and have gotten better, but i have a long way to go. i can never think of the right words to say until after the conversation is over. that’s why i manuscript my messages- when i try to talk off the cuff, i usually end up stuttering or taking forever to say the word that i’m thinking of. so i usually end up letting other people talk- which usually makes them feel valued, and i want them to feel valued, so it ends up working out in most situations.

:: i get anxious.
i don’t know why. maybe its all the caffeine, but i often find myself quietly freaking out over something. a lot of time i fix this by breathing, silently encouraging myself, or praying. several years ago i learned how settling repetitive prayers can be, so i usually have a rosary around me somewhere. sometimes just holding it reminds me that i can pray and God will help me to relax.

:: i’m emotional.
maybe jane gets it from me. lately she can cry at the drop of a hat. i can too. i burst into tears watching youtube videos, listening to music, or just talking to people.

just last week a middle schooler was sharing a story of how God had healed her from a life-threatening illness. we were in a crowded room and i was fighting off tears with everything I had as she was sharing with me how God had answered her mother’s prayers.

last december, i was in my office reading the Christmas story, and tears immediately and unexpectedly jumped out of my eyes when i read the angel’s words “"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” i couldn’t stop. i welled up each time I heard it during Christmas.

one time i visited a student in the hospital- she was having a major surgery. after praying with her, i got in my car and started driving, but i had to pull over because i couldn’t see for all of the tears.

sometimes i'm with jane, and she is eating her snack, and commenting on the world around her, and she is healthy, and happy, and safe, and i think to myself, "this is the perfect moment. i don't want this moment to ever end." but i realize that before i know it, she'll be 16. sometimes i just reach over and say, "do you know that dad loves you?" with tears in my eyes. hold it together rob!

one time i was at a baseball game with my friend marc and we were watching the tractor smooth out the dirt. he asked me about a funeral that i went to. i didn’t really know that person that died that well, but i burst into tears and couldn’t stop. i was so embarrassed.

sometimes i’m in my car listening to u2 songs and i just burst into tears. some songs that have moved me are: one, all i want is you, mothers of the disappeared, running to stand still, grace and sometimes you can’t make it on your own.

everyone who was at my wedding saw me cry all over the place. that was a little embarrassing too.

i have shed many a tear at hume lake- all during beautiful moments.

:: there’s a lot that i do that other people wouldn’t find cool, but i do.
i watch children’s television with jane- i think its cool.
i browse bookstores. i feel comfortable around books. most people wouldn’t find that cool, but i do.
i spend a lot of time in silence and alone. that would bug a lot of people, but i enjoy it.
i hang out with middle schoolers! a lot of people don’t think that’s cool- but i love it.

maybe no one is really cool. maybe we’re all putting up some sort of front. maybe the whole cool thing is overrated and expensive. cool people want you to believe that they don’t need others or that they don’t experience emotions. but who is like that? who wants to be like that? not me. cool isn't going to be as important to me as it has been.

don’t be afraid to smile or cry or laugh out loud. let me give you the freedom to be uncool; or as my friend bono says: “don’t look before you laugh, look ugly in a photograph.”

God is love.
-rev-rob