if i were president

if i were president,

i’d appoint the carlos from the malibu grill as secretary of bbq and invite the leaders of the world over for some lunch.

i’d have the military scour the hills for mountain-people- just to check on them.

i’d have an awesome train table in the oval office so that jane and i could play together in between world summits.

i’d find out what’s really going on at area 51, and what really happened in roswell.

i’d have the scientists find the sasquatches.

i’d make it so that every single vote counts- no more blue or red states- just blue or red people.

i’d be so cool that i’d put the daily show out of business, because they’d have nothing to make fun of.

i’d send all of the spoiled-celebrity-law-breakers on a mission trip to africa.

i’d make all of the car companies make electric cars so that it wouldn’t cost so much to drive- and better for the environment.

i’d move the white house to pismo- so all of the legislators could watch the sun set over the pacific every night- and enjoy a breadbowl at splash café.

i’d be pro-life- and place a high value on life all the time; no matter the age, ethnicity, or history.

i’d get rid of the suits and ties- and long meetings. all congress meetings would need to be held at a ginormous starbucks on comfy seats and low lighting.

i’d basically say yes to anything that bono asked me to do.

i’d pose for photos with protesters.

i’d write a lot of thank you cards to soldiers, teachers, police, ministers and red cross workers.

i’d have all parking lots painted white- i think it would cut global warming in half.

i’d make at least 2 more work-free holidays: go outside and play day and nap day.

i’d hold meetings to ask the iraqis how we’re going to get all of the americans home and how to restore peace to their land.

i’d give cool statues to other countries- like france gave the statue of liberty to us.

i’d raise taxes on hummers and “adult entertainment”- and lower taxes on property and gas.

i’d like to be able to say that i took care of people- i mean, you can’t legislate people’s decisions or pay people to do nothing, but i’d like to help everyone afford health insurance, car insurance, and a home in a good neighborhood.

i’d write a letter to someone every day- so that a lot of people would feel the excitement of getting a personal letter from the president. i’d call people too- people like teenagers who make a difference in their community.

i’d totally fight with reporters during press conferences.

i’d have a cupbearer like in bible times- because i get really tired of carrying my cups.

i’d go to a random church every Sunday- just to freak the pastors out.

i’d travel the country by bus just like john madden.

i’d invite the middle east leaders to watch a giants game in san francisco and talk policy over some sunflower seeds and cracker jacks. and i’d treat them to a hawaiian vacation.

and hopefully through it all, i’d show the world that we’re not so bad over here; and that hating us is so four years ago. (maybe 8).