jury duty

on monday morning, 8:30 am, I had to report for jury duty. everyone always tells me that “once they find out that you’re a pastor, they’ll let you go.” that’s not necessarily true. I expected a long day of waiting, and sitting, so I dressed comfortably in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and I brought a couple of books. When we got inside the courtroom, we were asked to raise our right hands and swear to tell the truth. we were also told that we risked being charged with perjury for lying. there were a lot of perjurers in that room.

without going into detail, the case involved an adult taking advantage of a middle schooler. sad for the student, great for me, I knew that they wouldn’t want me. they asked that if anyone felt like they had a hardship with this case, to line up, and state it to the judge and lawyers personally. everyone else was on break. I think that everyone in the courtroom got in that line. one by one they went in. some came out cheering, some came out sad. I went in. I told them that I was a middle school minister and that I questioned if they wanted me on the jury. they asked me, “can you be fair?” what was I supposed to say? “yes, I’m a Christian. but I’m really unfair to others.” I said yes, I could be fair. the judge told me to come back later, and to put on some long-pants.

when we got back from break, the judge interviewed each person with a set of standard questions like, “are you married?” “do you know any police?” “have you or a friend or family member ever been a victim of a crime?” at this point, the people in the jury seats did EVERYTHING that they could to get thrown out of court. and I know that some were flat out lying just so that they wouldn’t have to serve. I really wish that the judge would have just asked them,” are you just trying to get out of jury duty?” because it was obvious. one guy blatantly said, “I’m a racist.” whenever the judge asked people if they could be fair, almost all of them gave a reason why they just couldn’t. "it would be too difficult." one elderly woman said that she was raised not to judge people. the judge informed her that she was judging facts, not people. she held her ground…to the point of TEARS! I was especially disappointed with the college kids. they would put on obnoxious shows about how they were unqualified, or told stories of aunts and cousins that had been victimized and therefore could not be fair. later that night I put my facebook status to, "Rob is shocked at what people will do to get out of jury duty." and then, many of my CHRISTIAN friends shared with me the lies that they told to get out of jury duty! great.

the more I thought about it, the more their attitude made sense. the defendant has a benefit from being in court. they have a chance at freedom. the lawyers have a chance at fame and fortune. the judge receives honor and a nice check, desk, and office. but the jurors? what’s in it for them? NOTHING! no money, no fame, no prestige. many of them are actually losing money to be there. until they fix this, and make it profitable for people to serve on a jury, the charade will continue.

in the meantime, judge and lawyers asked some tough questions like:
“can you give a policeman’s testimony the same credibility that you would give another witness’? and vice versa?”
“what if the defendant does not testify? does that make him more likely to be guilty or less likely?”
“can you name a person guilty or not guilty based on just one witness’ testimony?”
“what do you do when 2 witnesses have contradictory testimonies? how do you decide who is telling the truth?”
“if a person is charged with multiple counts, does that make them more likely to be guilty?”

2 things that impressed me today. the first was the judge's patience with everyone's emotional excuses of why they could not be fair. he listened to each one with empathy. he also expertly unraveled many of their lame arguments. I was also very impressed with the knowledge and communication skills of the lawyers. those guys are pretty awesome.

I started off in seat 13. then, by the second day I was moved to seat 5. the lawyers interviewed me, and I told them about my job, and my concern for middle schoolers, and they weren’t fazed at all. they started to release other jurors, but not me. they replaced the jurors, interviewed them, and then dismissed more. over and over, until the judge asked the prosecution if he wanted to release anyone else. he said no.

ACK!

then he asked the defense. the defense asked for a few minutes to decide. in my head I was saying, “juror-number-five, juror-number-five…” then he said, “the defense would like to thank and dismiss…juror number... five.”

whew!

I really didn’t want to do it, but I was going to if they asked me to. I was absolutely relieved when I was dismissed.

before I went in, people told me all kids of strategies for getting out of jury duty, like wear an NRA shirt, or a rush Limbaugh shirt (do they even make those?)

but here are rob’s top 10 ways to get out of jury duty, based on my experiences this week:

1. when a judge or a lawyer asks you a yes or no question, don’t answer with a yes or no.

for example: question: “can you be fair?” answer, “well…I … I’m not sure. I…I don’t think,… well, ok. yes.”

2. be weird.
wear a weird shirt with pot leaves on it. wear your hair crazy. look like a hippy. refuse to take off your sunglasses. giggle at odd points of the conversation.

3. lie.
if they ask you if you are an honest person, or a rational person, or a kind person, just say no.

4. get emotional.
cry. yell. raise your voice. point fingers.

5. don’t speak English very well.

6. look like a criminal.

7. give a lot of credibility to a minor incident from your past.
you got a ticket, so now you don’t trust cops. you took a class on psychology, and now you don’t trust men. your teacher gave you a referral and now you distrust authority.

8. tell them your boss will fire you.

9. sleep in court.

10. don’t go.

2 things that will not necessarily get you kicked off of a jury:
1. being a pastor.
2. wearing shorts.

going to jury duty is a pain, but it could be worse: you could be on trial! so stay out of trouble. and when your jury notice comes in, don’t lie or put on a show just answer the questions honestly and get on with it! don't waste eveyone's time with your lame lies. you might even find the whole process fascinating.

God is love.
-rev-rob